The Inner Teen ~ Our Route to Happiness

Many people have heard of the ‘inner child’ or ‘inner child therapy’. Our Inner Child is the part of our psychology that forms between the ages of 3 and 7/8. Think of the brain like a computer. Mental thought patterns or ‘base programs’  are created in our brain neurology by our family dynamics and belief systems, learned behaviour, the experiences we have as children and the decisions we make around those experiences.

If there is any trauma during childhood, those decisions tend to form from a place of survival, defence or fear. For example, if a child were to lose their father at a young age, they may make a decision that ‘men leave me’. This would be a completely innocent, very simple decision made by a child trying to understand their world.

However, that decision is a base program that will run forever until such time as it is upgraded. That one, small decision could lead to an adult lifetime of failed relationships ~ as our psychology will always try to protect us on a subconscious level from ever having to experience that childhood loss, pain or trauma again. So that person would behave in ways that push men away, through a subconscious fear of abandonment, regardless of whether they want to or not.

Even without any childhood trauma, not being free to grow and be who we are as unique, individual children can create a lot of unhealthy programming that causes us to make a variety of different decisions about ourselves, based on the expectations of our parents. For example, a child who is expected to be seen and not heard may decide that ‘no one listens to me’. A child that is constantly told they have to behave in ways that aren’t natural to them may decide ‘I’m not good enough’. A child who is neglected may decide ‘I don’t deserve love’ or that ‘no one is there for me’. This programming is our base programming and is always running behind the scenes, subconsciously, in the background of everything we do in life. It is why we often experience a repeat of the emotions we felt as a child over and over again as adults. Just like a computer, until that base programming is upgraded, our brain doesn’t know any different.

What many do not realise is that we also have an older age of our child psychology called the Inner Teenager ~ and they are a completely different kettle of fish! Puberty is when we take a big, psychological leap from child to teen ~ our teen self then becomes the protector and babysitter of the inner child!

This is why so many teenagers experience an identity crisis and start to search for who they truly are. Not only are they trying to understand the World and their place in it, they now have another part of their psychology they are expected to take care of until they mature into adulthood. Only then, can the teen relinquish the responsibility of the inner child and themselves to the adult. However, most of us will continue running on our inner child and inner teen programs with zero awareness.

In the worst case scenario, if we were used and abused as children, we are often used and abused again as teenagers. It may be under different circumstances, but we will feel exactly the same as we did when younger. Only this time, everything is driven far deeper and starts to manifest in a more dramatic way, triggering our defence system differently.  In general, younger children are more likely to withdraw, go quiet, cry or hide away. Teenagers tend to be more outspoken, rebellious, moody, depressed, defensive or aggressive as their body floods with new hormones and new parts of their psychology come online.

Puberty is when the Saboteur, Warrior and Prostitute archetypes start to activate in our brain and work together with our Inner Child & Ego Mind. Many people fear the Ego Mind or think they need to get rid of it, which would be a mistake as without it, they’d move into psychosis. The Ego is important as it is the part of our psychology that keeps us safe and we all have an Ego Mind. All it wants is to feel safe and to feel included, rather than judged and seen as something ‘bad’. The way in which the mind works will be different for everyone, based on their upbringing and life experience.

Our Saboteur causes us sabotage ourselves so that we stay small and therefore remain ‘safe’. Our Warrior dons armour, grabs a weapon (usually harsh words) and roars at others to keep them away and therefore remain ‘safe’. Our Prostitute sells out our integrity in order to obtain something ~ security, money, love, power etc. This also keeps us ‘safe’ as we would rather give up a part of ourselves than make ourselves vulnerable to others by asking for what we need.

For me personally, I experienced sexual abuse as a child and then completely buried it. It was triggered again age 16, when not only was the original abuse repeated, but it brought up everything that had been buried years prior. This was a HUGE shock as a teenager. Not only was I experiencing trauma again in that moment, I was now holding a completely hysterical and terrified inner child psychology, with no idea what was happening to me. In many ways, it broke my mind at that point and I spent years getting into trouble, drinking, taking drugs, hanging out with the wrong people and hating myself for the feelings of powerlessness, confusion and trauma. I was simply too ashamed to tell anyone or ask for help. As often happens with teenagers, I turned all the blame, shame and judgement inwards on myself and shut down all the parts of me that made me feel vulnerable.

My Saboteur ensured I ruined progression in relationships and kept me looping back to the same trauma and abuse repeatedly in adult life. My Warrior was fierce! She would lash out or just hum with an underlying ‘don’t mess with me’ energy that used to stop people even approaching me for a conversation. My Prostitute sold out my integrity for drugs, sex, attention and anything that felt like love, safety or oblivion.

Puberty is also when we start to connect to our dark feminine/masculine energies. When we learn how to effectively lie, manipulate or use our sexuality to get what we want. This part of my psychology actually saved my life, but I was stuck in it for many years with no awareness that my entire system was running on the energy of ‘survival’ and permanently moving in and out of ‘fight or flight’ in order to try and remain safe.

Many talk about the Inner Child, but no one really talks about the Inner Teen. You’ll start to distinguish between them if you pay close attention to your thoughts and feelings. We can all tell when we feel very young and want to stomp our foot or need a cuddle like a small child. Our Teen is more likely to be moody, to lash out, to want to watch romantic, teen based movies or to read novels that appeal to that age group, to get lost in gaming or music, to have a drink & party or to withdraw from everyone into their own space to be left alone etc.

I have now become very mindful of these two different parts of myself and have learned that they need different things at different times. Their fears/behaviour manifests in different ways, although they ultimately lead back to the same wounds ~ abuse (loss of personal power), abandonment and rejection. My Inner Child wants sweeties and sugar when she doesn’t feel comfortable with her emotions. My Inner Teen wants alcohol, music and distraction/numbing. My Inner Child wants to get out into nature, to play, paint, draw and create. Inner Teen wants to go out with friends, have adventures, move her body in some way (dance), to sing or to write.

I now feel utmost compassion and forgiveness for that Teen part of myself and no longer judge her. She had one heck of a lot to deal with and it would have floored most adults, let alone a 16 year old! She did what she needed to do to mentally survive and continue living and did an incredible job. As I work with her on deeper levels, the parts of her that were hidden away and fiercely defended are coming to the fore. The shy girl. The deep feeling girl with a huge heart. The amateur dramatic who loved being on stage. The competitive girl. The writer who spent hours in quiet spaces and libraries, journaling as a way to release the chaos inside. The romantic who sees the beauty in everyone. The sassy, funny, silly girl with a dark sense of humour.

When we become aware that there are actually two different parts of our younger selves to work with, life starts to become a lot easier to handle. So if you haven’t already met your Inner Teen, I highly encourage you to do so as she is very likely to hold some of the major keys to your happiness.

With Love

Krissy

xxx