People often ask me how I’ve gotten to where I am today. How can I connect to and understand people, have such empathy, be so positive, strong and ambitious? I usually give the positive answers that people want to hear…. That I’ve learned through many years of passion & dedication, through year’s of experimenting and playing with crystals, from travelling & studying many different walks of a spiritual path. That its through a desire to understand, to know, the reading of countless books one after the other and implementing anything I’ve learned from those books. The courses, workshops and going back to school as an adult to learn even more!
Those things are all true….but what I feel truly teaches us on the deepest levels….are the challenges we face in life…. and more often than not, the pain.
We learn from making mistakes that make us look hard at ourselves and move us to want to change, to become better people. Whether that be stronger, kinder, wiser, less dramatic, less needy…… what drives many of us on a spiritual path is our desire to ease our own confusion & pain…and quite often, the pain of others.
So today I’ll share a little of the pain that got me where I am today because walking a spiritual path is NOT easy. It is NOT all fluffy bunnies, angels and sparkly things. Sure, I adore all of those things (especially the sparkles), but the reality is, there is a lot of darkness and pain too, a lot of deep healing required of many of us ~ to ignore that, to pretend that everything is always positive and shiny ~ it does each and every one of us an injustice.
Approximately eight year’s ago, I split up from my former partner after a long and extremely difficult 14 year relationship.
It wasn’t easy. Our relationship had ups and downs and no one ever realised my ex had mental health issues (bi-polar at a minimum) until we split, so ours was always a challenging relationship. There had been emotional and mental abuse and on occasion, things had gotten physical too. For those whom haven’t been in an abusive relationship, they may not understand how easy it is to give up our power. To keep bending and nearly breaking in an effort to keep the peace, to not trigger any negativity, to protect our kids. By the time we realise what has happened, its too late…..
I never realised just how crazy some of those experiences were….. I mean, when you’re in that situation, all you can do is try to cope and process it, to make it through to the next day. It never occurred to me that the man I loved was mentally unstable. I remember one night, he was really drunk and we’d had a huge argument. My parents had bought me a gold Seiko watch and as I was pinned down on the bed, having vitriol and anger spat in my face, I put my arms up to protect myself. My ex leaned over, pinned my arms down on top of me and BIT the watch. His strength was insane as he yanked the watch from my wrist with his teeth, then proceeded to chew the main piece of it, glass and all, until his mouth was bloody and spat all the pieces back at me. I’ve never worn a watch since.
I’ve lost count of the amount of times strange things like that happened over the years. Everyone says ‘walk away’, but when he was in a good place, with no mental pressure, my ex was a lovely man. Funny, caring, kind, a dedicated and wonderful father. I so wish I’d had the education in mental health & counselling back then that I have now! Not that it would have made a difference as we can’t help those who will not help themselves……but I would have left whilst I still had the power to do so.
Instead, we struggled on for many years, although I knew things had to end. It wasn’t fair on our beautiful son ~ this was not the example of relationship I wanted him to believe was healthy, normal or acceptable. At the time however, I’d given up so much of my power. I was living in UK, in my ex’s house with an American passport (now British as am dual nationality). He had the main rights to our son as they were both British and I wasn’t. We also ran a business together. I stood to lose my home, business and child. The home and business I could cope with…but my son? Not an option.
That fear, that lack of being able to see a way out kept me there for another 18 months. I tried all the logical things first…going to Citizen’s Advice, seeking legal advice, talking to support groups. All of them were great….except I wasn’t British and therefore, had no legal standing in the UK whatsoever.
So I started to pray to the Universe. Every single day. I walked out in nature. A lot. I used crystal grids and crystals and just kept on reading books that empowered and taught me ways to cope, to process, to reach a place of compassion. Eckhart Tolle, Tony Robbins, Caroline Myss….anyone who was strong, who was inspirational, who had the fire I knew was lost somewhere deep inside me….if they wrote it, I read it. If they suggested work, I did it. I stopped trying for logical ways out and started to believe, to have faith in a higher power that all would be OK.
And one day, a message came in crystal clear clarity ‘The day you ask for what you want and mean it, it will be done. You MUST BELIEVE it’.
No idea where it came from, but it was so clear….so LOUD in my head, I knew it to be absolutely true. And it made me think…..
How many of us ask for things, but don’t feel it from the bottom of our soul? I kept asking to get out, but part of me didn’t mean it 100% because of what I stood to lose. My logical mind couldn’t see a way out so therefore, there wasn’t one & my faith waivered. The requests were half hearted and my life had that half hearted feel to it too…things would be OK for awhile, then fall apart again. On and on the cycle went.
So I went down by the river, one of my quiet/safe places. And I asked. I asked to keep my home, to keep the business and to keep my son ~ and for the relationship to end. And I meant it.
I had no idea how it would happen and that lack of knowing….but still believing… set me free.
A month later, my ex flipped out to the point the police were called. Am not able to share that yet as it was the most horrific & terrifying experience of my life. He was arrested and the police prosecuted him for domestic abuse. He was put on probation for 2 years (as long as he attended the psychological evaluations and took medication) and sent on a 9 week anger management course. I was left with the business, my son and due to the violent nature of the tenant’s crime (and the fact that my son & I would be homeless otherwise), the Council kindly moved the tenancy from my ex’s name to mine.
It wasn’t logical…it wasn’t how I wanted things to end, but the Universe provided everything I’d asked of it.
I was in shock for months, quite literally on all levels, having full body panic attacks and an inability to cope with many things. Giving up our power in an abusive relationship shatters our solar plexus, the seat of confidence and trust….simple things such as driving to an event or coping with the housework would paralyse me with fear…….realising I was suddenly a single parent and had sole responsibility for everything…it was overwhelming.
I was lucky enough to be assigned a good domestic abuse support worker, who was amazing. It took her three sessions to get me to accept I had even been abused. After all, I’d gotten angry, I’d thrown things, I’d stormed out slamming the door behind me and done my fair share of nasty things. It was tit for tat….. wasn’t it?
There were good people in my life at the time, those that listened, supported, hugged and were there when I needed them. Some of those people hardly knew me, I didn’t expect them to care so much….it was like the Universe sent angels and guides in the form of kind human beings at exactly the right time. I owe those kind souls a huge debt of gratitude.
It took six years after that to heal, undergo counselling, to come back to myself, to reclaim my power, confidence and strength. It was so hard stepping up to try another relationship, to launch a website and finally join some Facebook groups and not be scared to share knowledge or speak my truth. Am still learning 🙂
Its not enough to just change our thought patterns or seek behavioural counselling. Its about shifting something integral, on a deep, gut and soul level. It changes how we think, it changes how we behave, it changes how we feel and even how we breathe. No part of us is left unaffected. Anyone who tells you that its easy or tries to sell you a quick route to happiness….has never actually walked the deep path themselves.
- Walking a spiritual path takes courage. It usually requires us to be burnt down to ashes on some level, so we can rise like a Phoenix and start again.
- It requires taking full responsibility for our lives…..for our mistakes….for our victim mentality or for causing pain in others.
- It requires being honest with people whilst learning how to be true to ourselves.
- It requires not being too hard on ourselves and forgiving both ourself and others.
- It requires self love and empathy and then more LOVE!
- It requires acknowledging where we have come from in order to appreciate where we move on to.
Then we can get to the bunnies, to the fluffies, to the sparklies.
So I shower you with an abundance of sparkly things alongside huge cosmic cuddles. You can take or leave the bunnies 😉